all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
