when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
