Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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