Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
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