I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I am in a vortex of obligation.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
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