is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
