You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
