Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
