Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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