i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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