I wish they made helmets for livers.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
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