Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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