I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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