I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize