I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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