I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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