ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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