He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
