booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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