That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
