a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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