Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
