Pants 0. Shit 1.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
