I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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