He disabled his match.com account in front of me
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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