If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
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