My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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