So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize