the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
