Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
