U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I want her autograph on my taint
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
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