So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
