I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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