Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
