Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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