We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Randomize
