i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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