Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize