Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
