sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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