So drunk, too bad you don't want this
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
