he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
My cat gives me a boner
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
