it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
