Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
