I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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