Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
