I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
