loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
