if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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