At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
you have to choose: penises or morals?
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
