I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
