Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
