I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Does leaving at 3 give Sara enough time to take the bus or are you picking her up?
I cant tell if your joking or not, but I'm picking her up
Do you need some kind of permission slip from her parents or can anyone just go and grab a high schooler these days?
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
last night I used snow as a chaser
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize