so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
